I used to work with a lady who sent out daily chain emails about kittens. Each email was a forward that contained some hilarious picture of a cute kitty in a supposedly comedic pose. Sometimes the kittens were wet. Sometimes the kittens were driving fire trucks. Sometimes I would try to poke her eyes out with a fork to make her stop sending me cute little kitten pictures. Alas, she wore glasses. And I was using a plastic fork. And it was a spork. So, it didn’t work. You know what does work, cows wearing boots. But I digress.

Chain mail is usually annoying but harmless. Although this isn’t always the case. Cameroon went to war with Nigeria after Cameroon received an email saying the Prince of Nigeria had thousands of dollars in lottery winnings to hand over. You would figure that the government of Cameroon would have known that they didn’t enter into a lottery or that Nigeria doesn’t have a Prince. Apparently Cameroon doesn’t have Wikipedia. They also don’t have lederhosen. They do have lederhosen fetishes but I’m getting off topic. The point is thousands of people have died and no one looks sexy in lederhosen.

In Alaska it is illegal for cows to wear boots.

That said, I think we should revive the lost art of chain letters, emails and the like. I also think we should revive the members of Queen and force their zombies into a barbershop quartet. While on the subject of improving the world, we should start spelling “zombie” with an “x”. “Xombie” is way cooler.

The best way to revive chain letters is of course, through religion. But not through some preachy religion with phrases of love and references to how rain clouds are formed from the tears of angels. Instead, I want to promote a religion that does not claim to be the one true faith but does claim that clouds are formed from the tears of racecar drivers who don’t understand what palindromes are.  Either that or the tears of palindrome enthusiasts who aren’t very good spellers. They keep thinking Xerox is a palindrome. There are few things as sad as that. Well, RC Cola is as sad as that. A little sadder, actually. I mean, what standing does the British Royal Crown have in thinking it can mass-produce a quality carbonated beverage?  But neither misconstrued palindromes nor RC Cola will bring back the art of chain mail.

Thus, I present you with

Toby is a bowling pin who travels the world. He enjoys sitting in the same spot for hours on end and has a thing for bottles. Oh, he also created the universe. Although, as Toby is immature he does not take responsibility for this. When confronted on the issue he will storm to his room yelling, “You don’t understand me! I hate you!” and then blasting loud music- usually “Fast Car” by Tracy Chapman. Our religion, based around a globetrotting inanimate object with questionable taste in music is pretty easy to follow. All you have to do is go to and then forward this around via blogs, bulletins, email forward, carrier pigeon, carrier buffalo or Kevin Spacey to everyone you know.  Copy and paste this letter to get the chain mail going!

If you do not spread the word and tell people to go to some sort of ill fate will befall you. Oh, it won’t be anything overly terrible like years of bad luck, breaking up with your current flame or losing your job. Toby isn’t that spiteful. Instead, you will have to resign yourself to spending the rest of your days waiting at traffic lights that seem like they’re taking forever to change, buying scratch tickets that will never win you more than $5 or $10 and an aversion to guys with gaudy fake gold initials on their front teeth. That’s right, you and Gary Sheffield will never have that heart to heart talk you’ve always dreamed about.

And tell Kevin Spacey he owes me $10.