Most religions are filled with pomp and wholesale subjugation to a higher power. It’s all way too flashy for Toby. That’s why he opted to form a cult instead. Cults are far easier to organize than full-scale religions. Plus, if things go wrong you can always pass out fruit punch.

There are other benefits in being a cult leader versus the head of a pure and true faith. First and foremost is underwear. Look at the wardrobes of the Pope or Dali Llama. All they wear are flowing gowns. It looks like they’re wearing drapes. Considering how stringent the dress code is for a Father of a Great Religion- and how that dress code has most likely been steady for centuries before the founding of the Hanes Company- I doubt they get to wear underwear; tighty whitey or otherwise.

Most religions begin with a creation story. The Greeks have the Titans. Teenage Greeks had the Teen Titans. Judeo-Christianity has, “And then there was light!” The exclamations make it sexier. Toby’s creation story is a bit different. Click here to see how it all began.

Cults also need to have a good and catchy name. Several successful cults have followed this path to notoriety. Examples of these would include the Branch Davidians, The Kiss Army and the St. Louis Cardinals. All these names inspire mysticism, strength or opposition to the Designated Hitter Rule. We want to follow the examples of success these earlier cults used (minus the ATF crackdowns) without being derivative of them. As such, our cult will henceforth be known as The Children of the Curewi’i.

There are several reasons for this name. Firstly, it is inherently silly and no mature adult would follow it- hence the whole children part. We will happily accept immature adults as long as they love Handi Snax.

As for the Curewi’i part, there are several reasons. One good reason is that it sounds vaguely Hawaiian and the thought of some tropical island in the Pacific seems like a good spot to base an afterlife, why not? Also, Curewitz is Toby’s last name. By a strange coincidence, its also the name of the people who bring you this website. Funny how fate works. By fate, I mean we named Toby.

The last reason for the name is the apostrophe. Add an apostrophe into almost any word and it makes it sound all magical and stuff. Don’t believe me? Let’s try some examples. Is the following a hilariously terrible Schwarzenegger movie or a tour through the spirit realm? To’tal Re’Call. Next up is to decide whether this is a sub-par, mass produced beverage or the nectar of the Gods: Sna’pple. We can do this all day but you get my point.

The last bit of a good cult is style. For a while, we here at the Children of the Curewi’i were going for those dramatic cloaks that has that rope-as-a-belt thing going on and probably were dyed with the bloods of the innocents. But we were too lazy to learn Latin and that’s where the whole thing started falling apart. The death knell was when they started advertising the Snuggie. People wouldn’t think we weren’t a cult. They would just think we were cold.

So, we have designed our own line of clothing and other cool Toby gear. Admission into the cult is free. However, if bumper stickers have taught us anything its that Freedom isn’t free. So, buy some cool Toby gear and support your faith.   



Wanna skip straight to the creation story instead of sitting through all this ingenious wit?